I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
