I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
