i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
