So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
