Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
