I accidentally had phone sex last night
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
