I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Less talking, more tequila
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
