My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
