Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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