You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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