just tell him i said nine months
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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