Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
