Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
