This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
