wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
