Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
