Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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