They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
