I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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