My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I wish there were birth control emojis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
