Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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