Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
