I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
