just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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