if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
