and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bring me that man meat
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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