just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I looked at my own cervix.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
