Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
