This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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