I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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