can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They took my balls.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
