Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
