It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
