I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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