the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
