he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
