Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
