The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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