seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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