the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
