I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
