Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Two words: blizzard sex
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
