pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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