I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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