Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Jerry, you need to find god
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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