She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
