he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The Olympian is in my bed
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
