apparently the secret to your success is patron
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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