non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
