Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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